My kant van die draad

America:

• “Sausage” is what we would call a ‘patty’ – they mean sausage meat (flavoured mince) – usually pan-fried and flat just like a hamburger patty.
• “Biscuit” is not the proper word for a cookie like your scottish Aunt Josephine taught you – it is more like a large, flattish muffin or scone as we know it and is usually served at breakfast. It is soft, of fine texture and sweetish, dry and about the colour of custard inside. To be avoided if you expect your breakfast to last you through the day. 
• “Half-and-half” is a mixture of two types of milk – presumably sheep and otter. Seriously, though – half-and-half is mixed full cream and skimmed and is close to our low fat variety. It is the closest you will get to full cream as we know it anyway. 
• Don’t take US$ 100 bills – they are too large to change just anywhere and people are suspicious of them, like you are a drug dealer or something equally wicked.
• You can get your coffee at any Starbucks in well over 60 varieties, but it is simply impossible to order just a cup of filter coffee with full cream milk and sugar. It does’nt exist in America.
• When having a conversation with someone, they are likely to say: “I got’cha” It means the same as our ‘uh-huh’, i.e.: “I follow your conversation and please continue.”
• If you order “mixer drinks” – these are things like whiskey and soda or brandy and coke, – you will be given a straw and a stirrer with it. Now, experienced drinkers will know that this is one of the easier ways to get hammered. In America, however, of you shun the straw, you are considered an alcoholic.
• The ‘brandy’ available in America is rubbish.
• Stay away from Yukon Jack.

Angola:

• Take the right passport and at least enough money to buy a visa – if you can get the ambassador to bail you out. Failing that, take plenty food and water, a soft cushion and some reading material – you will be in the airport building detention ‘lounge’ for quite some time. (It helps if you can develop an affinity for pineapple flavoured soft drinks beforehand.)
• Also, bring your allergy tabs if you are allergic to seafood and your blood pressure meds if you struggle to use salt – you will need it.
• Don’t haggle for the price of food items in the market – it is considered very rude indeed. Haggling for the precious ivory statuettes made from poached animal horns is, however, de rigueur.

 

Australia:

• Stay away from the Golden Beach on Schoolies. There are more cops than those hot young bodies you are looking for and you will probably get arrested.
• You cannot, under any circumstances, have a drink and a smoke at the same time and in the same place – anywhere. To be formally ‘inside’ a bar or other establishment where drinks are served, you have to be no more than 2 steps from the nearest exit. To smoke, which you may not do inside anywhere, you must be more than 5 steps away from the exit or entrance to any building. Now, to you and I, this leaves about 3 steps of no man’s land – where you are not taking a lot of risk either way, but can still legally do both. This rule is strictly enforced – beyond 2 paces you are out of the pub and must put your drink down inside, and within 5 paces you are smoking in the pub. Don’t try it – you’ll be asked to leave –regardless of how good you’ve been up till now.

 

Belgium:

• You will get along fine in Afrikaans – they understand it, but people will treat you with disdain. They are all snobs anyway – their idea of fun is probably suicide.
• Do have some Belgian waffles with all the trimmings and do buy chocolate from the many artisanal chocolatiers –  it’s utterly worth it, though the price is perfectly indicative of the quality.
• Do not drink the heavier varieties (dark beers with more than 10% alcohol per volume) of their vast selection of local beers with your dinner.  These will fill you right up and you will not do the food justice.

 

Chile:

• When you order steak in a restaurant, you get just that – steak. Oh, it’s usually very well prepared and it will not disappoint on the flavour front, but the plate will look rather empty without the trimmings that we are used to here in SA. It is much better to order the bistec a lo pobre (Poor Mans’s Steak) – this comes with chips, salad and often a fried egg and some vegetables = much better value.
• The fresh salmon offerings are usually very well prepared and probably some of the best seafood anywhere in the world.

 

England:

• Do try some Steak and Guiness pie in a pub. It is usually a hearty meal that won’t set you back too much and will last you the day.

 

Poland:

• Do make the effort to find and try traditional polish cooking. Not recommended for those with heart conditions, pacemakers, cholesterol problems, diabetes and suchlike. There are Chicky meals at the McDonalds.
• Do try some of the better local vodka’s that Poland is famous for. Belvedere or Chopin, if you can. Do drink it like the Polish do – straight and ice cold, with only a sip of Coke every now and then. After you lose most of the feeling in your tongue and cannot feel your throat, it’s much better.  

 

Thailand:

• Eat some local food as soon as you arrive – that way, your gastric system “flushes” and you spend only one night on the loo. (You can think of it as ‘detox’ if it makes you feel better) After that, you’ll be fine. Trying to stop any of this with Imodium, Buscopan or BismoPep is just prolonging the agony. Get it over with. 
• Don’t, under any circumstances, drink the water.
• Learn to use the special ‘hunching’ toilets – you will have to, sometime.
• No toiletpaper is free – carry spares.
• McDonalds and KFC are available freely, but don’t order chips as you would back home – they don’t have. You will get it with rice. Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices? No – more like sticky ribs coating.
• Do not drink too much Chang beer – you will get a hangover of the size that need’s it’s own postal code.